The agony of the long distance relationship.

Weather its an D/s relationship or otherwise, a long distance online relationship is an agonizing personal experience. If one’s acquaintances in BDSM are primarily online sooner or later one will experience this. I myself have gone though this several times.

Currently a friend of mine (who is a submissive) is currently going through this with her “Daddy”. They have a couple of thousand miles between them and other “difficulties” that prevent them from establishing a person-to-person relationship. Without getting into too much detail (out of respect for her privacy), she has come to learn that her “Daddy” may be developing a friendship/relationship with a more local submissive. Though thought of this possibility has made her physically ill and in distraught.

My advice to her was this:

“You must consider this as possibility. As strong as your bond may be online, it is strongest in person. Sooner or later the mental reassurance and stimulation one gets from an online relationship D/s or otherwise will not be enough to sustain it.”

What I said may sound unkind, but it was honest, and I feel it needed to be said.

In truth I have a fairly negative opinion of long distance relationships based on my own experiences

which can be summed up thus:

“A long distance relationship is all drama and no benefits”.

Back in 2005 I fell for a girl who lived in England. A wonderfully, kinky, intelligent and athletic girl who’s name I will not mention. We discovered each other in the now long defunct yahoo bondage-a-go-go chat rooms. We came to learning about one another which eventually lead to a D/s relationship, albeit online. Along the way I came across a second English girl and soon introduced the two of them to one another. The second girl was as kinky as the first, but was living in Louisiana at that time. I had made plans (and bought tickets), to visit the first girl in England in July of that year. Both girls knew this as they would chat with one another in addition to chatting with me. The second girl then had the idea of wanting to meet up in New York, for “Practice”, as I was very anxious about sex at that point in my life. After much resistance I agreed to meet the second girl as I was told that this would be kept between us. As it turns out this was a wager of loyalty between the two girls. So convinced was the first girl, that I would resist, she made the wager with the second who wanted to prove that I was susceptible to a woman’s charm under the right conditions. Both of them knew at that time in my life I had only had sex with one woman in my life, and at that time had been nearly three years removed from that occasion. The use of this fact by the second girl is how I fell out of favor with both of them. The first girl had said (before parting of the ways) that had I physically presence in her life this would not be an issue, as she would’ve been there to stir away such temptations. But because of the distance between us and the possibility that such may occur again (among any of us), the relationship could not continue.

I fully admit that in a moment of weakness I accepted the offer in that hope that I would somehow improve my ability. Ultimately such weakness cost me more than the near nine hundred dollars the plane tickets cost. The funds didn’t go to waste however, I did use them to solo travels. To this day knowing that I had (and perhaps still do have) such weakness within me is a shame I’ll always carry.

As such, when it comes to long distance relationships I personally do not expect anything more than friendship to develop with any submissive I come across. While I’m more than willing to share my thoughts, ideas and theories with those I befriend I tell them from the onset that if they find someone they can physically be with, by all means pursue that which makes them happy, knowing that I will not be a cause for duress. Consequently as a result of the experience mentioned above I have become highly cautious about pursuing relationships, D/s or otherwise. Yet constant vigilance can be a lonesome undertaking.

About the image: This image if from a Magic: The Gathering playing card from the Mirage set circa 1996, entitled “Painful Memories”  The quote used on this card sums up my experience quite well:  “It is terrible how one brief action can live forever in memory.”