The users and the used: An opinion on how the selfish-aggressive, the self-objectified and the predator/prey dynamic has warped the current perception of BDSM.

First I want to stress that this, like many of my posts is my opinion, based on observation.

My opinion on the nature of the D/s relationship dynamic has always been that this, (or any kind) of relationship should be a symbiotic one. That the two, a Dominant, and a submissive are each halves of a hole that come together though shared goals and desires.

As I’ve mentioned in a previous post there are three kinds of people with respect to BDSM: Those who enjoy controlling another, those who enjoy being controlled by another, and those who switch between the two. There is always a balance between those involved in the relationship that is for the most part mutual and understood. The pair are partners in a journey that can and will at times be difficult leads to shared growth and pleasure.

 However, there are those who see this kind of relationship as an opportunity to take advantage of another. Those who prey on the naive, the unstable, and the young.

 The selfish-aggressive: Usually a Dominant (yes submissive types can by that way too), who is quick to press their needs, desires, and requirements on the person they speak with. Some examples include:

  • Dominant women demanding “tribute” in the form of money, gifts and even houseroom as a requirement for collaring, or even consideration.
  • Dominant people, both men and women depending instant submission from those they interact with. Men usually for nudity and abuse, women usually for tribute and abuse.
  • Dominant people who interact with those who identify themselves as submissive as someone beneath them, sub-human, an object. These “Dominants” (the quotes are intentional) can be abusive in every sense of the word and should be avoided.
  • Submissive people who are needy, for example a submissive who constantly wants to be shown examples of how she would be made to look/dress. Or be shown examples of various forms of punishment/abuse, in short the indulgence of their desire/fetish to the exclusion of what the Dominant wish to discuss/demonstrate.
  • Submissive people who cannot handle “no” or rejection in general. In my own experience, I’ve been approached by submissive men, who wish for more than advice. They like many others are seeking, and while there is nothing wrong in this at all, I hetero-sexual (straight) male. No homo-sexual (gay), not bisexual. Straight. I say this from the onset, yet some will persist. Now perhaps this should be labeled as “selfish-aggressive”, however I will say that in a way, being unable to accept rejection is a form of selfishness.

 

The self-objectified: Those who identity as submissive who have the desire/fetish of becoming/being an object. This in itself is fine, the difference is the level in which the person pushes this desire.

  • The self-objectified will put the needs of the one he or she serves above his or her own needs. This would include the possibility of radical change such as relocation, as well as the altering of physical appearance and personality traits. To suit the taste of the one he or she serves. Which again is not wrong in and of itself. What’s wrong is the the disregard of the self, of “I” that is troubling.
  • The self-objected will use third person speech exclusively. To the self-objectified, there is no “I” or “me” instead it is “it” or whatever name/title it is given by the one he or she serves.
  • The sense of self-worth, of core identity; of the self-objectified completely dependent on the one he or she serves.
  • If the self-objectified is not actively in service, than he or she regards itself a failure.

What you see above, in my opinion are examples of high imbalance. A direction in which if it continues will certainly do damage to those who see only this way of thinking.

“People are not disposable, they are tangible and deserve respect.”

To control another, to be controlled by another should not ever come at the expense of one’s humanity.

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  1. Pingback: Additional thoughts on my previous post. « BDSM Advice

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