Open your mouth, speak your mind – the importance of communication when searching for a partner.

Today I’d like to shade some light on something that I realize only now, more than two years after starting my blog that I have not yet covered.

At some point in our lives each of us has made the decision to pursue something, with respect to this blog and the subject matter that it covers; at some point each one of us has made the decision to seek out a partner. Weather for its for a one-time session, occasional play dates, or a long term relationship.

Many people are at a loss for were to start.

It is for this reason among others that I came to start the blog that I keep.

Before starting the blog, I was a part of a loose community of fellow kinky-people in the old yahoo chat rooms “Bondage-a-go-go”, and “The Dungeon” This was around the time I developed an interest in BDSM back in 2004. In those rooms I would observe and ask questions when possible, publicly in the room, so as to get a number of answers. If I wanted to ask someone specific a question I’d write a short message expressing interest and the question in mind. Unfortunately not long after these rooms along with most of the “adult” chat categories were eliminated in an effort to “save the children” from exposure to adult material.

Shortly after creating the blog I decided to create a persona specific to the purpose of discussing BDSM within what remains of the yahoo chat room. with an appropriately filled out profile, detailing my interests. Naturally not everyone is willing to put themselves out there so openly. I’ve done so in an effort to not only be upfront about why I’m in the rooms (to discuss the subject of BDSM), but attract people to me to open a discussion on the subject with respect to their own desires. The name BDSMadvisor (my name on yahoo) will stick out to those who are either curious or into it. Its meant a lure, to open up discussion.

This brings me to the seed of this posting. The night before I as in a chat room, I was approached by a woman who wanted to know more about the subject. Now because BDSM is so broad my first questions are aimed to narrowing down what her particular interests are, what desires she has, and the spark that gives rise to the flame that is curiosity.

It’s important to have a clear idea of what one likes, what one wants to do, and what one wants to avoid, or have limits on. This is something that I touch upon whenever I speak with someone new and eager to explore. I’m often told that its difficult for those who are starting out to find someone who will take the time to simply talk/chat with them.

For me the goal of conversations like these is to help the submissive to pin down what she wants, what she wants to avoid. I also covered things like the use of safewords, what role if any would other’s play in a session, the possibility of  contacting a bisexual female Dominant, the possibility of searching for professional services. Things may come up in conversation that would not have been given thought otherwise, it is paramount to be able to exchange ideas freely.

Ultimately, one has to feel comfortable with a potential partner, and make their desires and concerns are mutually understood. If anything is going to happen, open your mouth and speak your mind. Only then can you know which direction to go in.

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