How I go about speaking with someone who is into or curious of BDSM.

When speaking with someone into or curious of BDSM: Be polite first; chosen derogatory term (or honorific term) soon. There are many different and varied kinks and fetishes. Many different ideals, philosophies, and opinions; and as many different and varied people who are involved in BDSM in someway. To anyone new who is new to this, no matter where you find yourself, I offer the suggestions that follow.

For Submissives:

There are many honorifics that can be used when conversing with a Dominant person, idealy the Dominant should not pressure/insist upon the use of these honorifics from the onset of the conversation. It takes time for someone new to adjust.  

Common ones include: Sir/Ma’am.  Are best for general use and are widely accepted.

Master/Mistress. This is usually reserved for those practitioners who are more deeply involved. Those living in the Gorean or Vampire cultures as well as other more hardcore individuals. Individuals who address themselves as such tend to be rigid and ritualistic. There are other variations such as Lord/Lady, etc. The use of these and other variations of the honorifics is completely dependant on the on Dominant you speak with.

Its important for the submissive to have some idea of why he or she wishes to explore and/or indulge in submission, this includes expressing particular fetiehs (if known) that one wishes to explore, or wishes to know more about. It is also very important to express what the submissive is NOT interested in exploring (or being subjected to). The thoughts opinions and desires of a submisve are as valid as anyone elses. Do not be afraid to express yourself, do not allow yourself to be intimidated. One’s submission is a choice.

For Dominants:

When speaking with someone new, (novice or not), do not automatically address the the submissive as a “slut”, “bitch”, “cunt” (which is particularly harsh), “stupid” or any other such insult or deragatory term. It may be that the submissive may like being called these such names, especially if he or she has a fetish for humiliation and/or objectification. Yet to do so from the onset of a conversation, in my opinion is crude; which runs the riks of not only turning the submissive of to that particular Dominant, but to BDSM as a whole. A single bad experience may turn what would otherwise willing subject into a harsh critic.

Having said that, there are a few acceptions:

  1. If the submissive addresses him or herself as such.
  2. If the deragagory term is a part of the submissive’s online screen name.
  3. Gaining the permission of the submissive to address him or her as such after a good level of comfort has been established.

In my opinion a  Dominant should not assume that he or she has instant ownership over a submissive after the first conversation, or however many conversations that take place afterward. Unless the submissive specifically askes to be long to the Domiant or if the submissive accepts the Dominants wish for his or her submission. Willing, knowing concent, not assumption; on the part of both parties is how a bond is forged.

Perosnally I feel that a Dominant is first and always a mentor and guide, it is from there that trust is built and submission is earned. From there the two individuals can then decided together to become a pair.

Things for both parties to touch on:

Both parties must be willing to openly discuss with one another to see if there is a chance for compatibility. At some point the following should be discussed:

  • Fetishes: Things each person is into.
  • Curiousities: Things each person wants to try at some point.
  • Soft limits: Things each person would not do normally. Things that can be explored if there is a mutual willingness on both parties, and that concernes such as safety are assured.
  • Hard limits: Things each person will not do under any circumstances. Total turn offs.

Although this is mentioned earlier, this requires elaboration. If the submisive is unsure of any of the above, the Dominant should being this part of the conversation by listing fetishes start from the mild (ie. spanking) to the wild (ie. canabalizm *yes really*). The submissive can respond simply with the folliwng: “Into”, “Curious”, “Hard limit” or any variation there of. Doing this is ment to encourage discussion. It should be mentioned that most online fetish communities have such checklists as part of establishing a profile. While a Dominant is often able to explain most of the fetishes that come up in conversation, each person should do their own reasearch for their own piece of mind.

Expectations and requirements:

Before engaging in a relationship (or even a discussion) each person, no matter what the role has their own expectations and requirements for potential partners. Very often this information is (and should be if possible) included in the profile or blog of the individual as being a part of an online fetish community. Otherwise these things will at some point come up in conversation.

One should take the time to read this information (again, if posible) to save themselves the time, effort and in some cases agony of writing an email that has a very good chance of being deleted unread, if one sends emails blindly.

The following is only a partial listing of what may or may not be mentioned or discussed. This varies from person to person. As mentioned previously this information may appear as part of one’s online profile as a way of attracting, or detracting potential contacts as a filtering measure.

Tribute- Typical of Professional Dominants (the grand majority are female) who demand compensation for their time in the form of money and gifts. Some will go as far as to demand tribute before even considering discussion with a potential submissive/slave.The frequency of tribute is dependent on individual Dominatrix, it is rarely if ever open to debate. As this is a source of income for them, they are not to be taken lightly. Serious thought should be given before approaching these individuals and engaging in the services they provide.

Relationship goals- Type of relationship desired, weahter it be short or long time, open, descrete, polyamourous, romantic, play-partners or any variation there of.

Desired characteristics and traits-  Age range, desired physical and/or personality traits,  and fetish traits.

Behavior/protocal- This applies more to a real time relationship. Examples include kneeling in a particular position for presentation/inspection, addressing the Dominant with the appropriate honorific title (once collared, or otherwise attached). Other examples include ritual behaviours, performing tasks etc. This is of course dependant on and agreed upon by the involved D/s pair. (Note: The term “pair” is used in the general sense. as there are cases where a Dominant can have multiple submissive, and (though rare) a submissive can serve more than one Dominant- this is done by mutual agreement.)

Location preferences- Specifying a particular area where a potional partner should reside in for the sake of meeting quickly. This can include a willingness to travel, or in some cases a willingness to relocate to a desired area. There can also be a cases for a strictly online relationship, weather due to preference or circumstance.

Closing thoughts:

What I’ve posted has been written with the intent sharing my thought processes with others, particuarly to those that are new, or curious to kink and BDSM. This is not a definitive guide, though perhaps it can serve as a waypoint for others to help in their respective journies.

Happy trails to you, until we meet again (in the next post).

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