An experienced subbie speaks

Recently I’ve had the pleasure of conversation with my friend “Raven” agreed to share with me her own thoughts on what it means to her to be a submissive. What follows is a conversation between the two of us as it flows, though of course cleaned up a bit for clear reading.

Sir Chance: Are you the only sub in your circle of real time friends?

“Raven” : Yep. And I’m pretty open about it with them. Yes, but I’ve influenced them to try new things.

Sir Chance: When others learn about what you desire, your involvement in the lifestyle, what is their initial reaction?

“Raven”: It’s usually curiosity. They sometimes come out with a lot of questions. I haven’t ever gotten any judgment. Not to my face anyway.

Sir Chance: What’s the most typical question you get asked?

“Raven”: People want to know things like why I do it, and whether I think I could really live longterm / get married to a dominant. They also often think its weird that we call them ‘vanilla’.

Sir Chance: What’s your typical answer to them?

“Raven”: I tell them that its the most natural thing to me.

Sir Chance: Elaborate.

“Raven”: I understand love with a partner in terms of D/s. I want to be with someone who understands love the same way. What does this mean? It means that there is a basic power dynamic between the two of us that we agree to. That I may give up some of my freedom, to choose many aspects of my day to day life, and gain the love, affection, and other aspects of the relationship with the dominant partner see myself as a conduit for the expression of my partner’s vision of desire, power and beauty.

Sir Chance: Well said.

“Raven”: Thank you 🙂

Sir Chance: You’re welcome “Raven”. You mentioned (in a previous conversation) that you give advice, what kind of questions are you asked, and what are your responses?

“Raven”: A lot of relationship questions. Often, what we think we want (i.e. To be trained, to live in chastity, to have an intense long term relationship…) Isn’t really what we need at the moment. Often, it seems to me, that the root of most problems is a lack of (a.) Communication and /or (b.) A real relationship with the self. One of the best ways I’ve seen to destroy a relationship is to not love yourself. Its very frustrating, though. I’ve had to realize that you can’t fix anybody.

Sir Chance: No, some are simply too damaged to be “fixed” and of course one cannot change unless they are willing to do so.

“Raven”: Absolutely. And I think there are a lot of people who turn to BDSM because they want to fill holes in their lives.

Sir Chance: When your friends ask you for advice, what is it on usually?

“Raven”: Well, like I said, in terms of relationships there’s really not a lot of difference between BDSM and vanilla relationships. So, pretty much, drama is drama. What I really like talking about is how to use new toys and proper care of equipment. love trying new things;  new sensations, new experiences.

Sir Chance: Has anyone in your circle of friends expressed more than a curious interest in BDSM?

“Raven”: Not really. A lot of people want to talk about the fun parts. And more power to them- but getting that BDSM has nothing to do with sex is beyond most. With training, most learn that the easiest thing to control is their sex. The hardest is their minds. This isn’t something that translates to vanilla people well. I think that people are born this way and find their path to it, or they simply don’t. its like being gay. In the wiring.

Sir Chance: Well said.

“Raven”: A lot of people, going back to an earlier topic, are surprised to find out that I’m submissive.

Sir Chance: Elaborate. why would they be surprised?

“Raven”: I’m not submissive in the everyday. I’m quite aggressive and considered a leader. People think its weird that in my personal life I’d want to be dominated.

Sir Chance: How would you explain it to them?

“Raven”: I can’t, really. Its not a conscious desire on either part. I am who I am, all the time and every day. I’m the same person at every moment. I don’t need to make up in one life for what goes on in the other. I’m simply responding in the situation according to my wants and goals.

Sir Chance: If you were to give advice to anyone who wanted to know more about this, and perhaps enter it, what would you tell that person?

“Raven”: Read everything. Read porn, read nonfiction, read things that gross you out, that turn you on, that make you uncomfortable. Read the advice of other people. Castlerealm.com is a good place to start. Also, stick to your guns when looking for a partner. You must be able to trust them, even if you’re just fooling around.

Sir Chance: Well said “Raven”. Good girl. Anything else you want to say to anyone who may be reading?

“Raven”: Thank you. Always practice safe sex. Always be honest with yourself and those you play with. Don’t be afraid, be smart. Love is worth it. Oh. And be fearless. Living afraid is much less rewarding.

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