BDSM Advice

Just a few quick things I’d like to mention. A couple of changes have been made to the page.
1. fetconnect has been down for sometime. I don’t think it will return. So I’ve removed the link to my profile there.
2.Added some information to my Facebook page, though that page is simply an extension of this blog.
3. I’ve added a “follow” button which should make it easier for those that read this page to see new entries.
4. I’m following a new blog! http://myvirtualsubmission.wordpress.com/ started by a new friend of mine, a personaly journey of a kinky slice of life.

More updates will come. Slowly but surely.

Recently I had an online encounter with a with chick who wanted to get off. She had said that she was “lonely” and needed attention, as she wasn’t getting any from her husband.She came online to fool around. After a some introductory conversation, I learn a few thing about here.She says that she’s twenty-seven year old white female from New Jersey who’s husband works in another state.

We have chat session in which I direct her in how to pleasure herself. She then sends me an ivitation to view her webcam which shows a tight closeup of a white girl, slightly chubby with her fingers inside herself, rocking her hips back and fourth. I did not ask to see her pleasure herself, though I did enjoy it without a second thought. She leaves after climaxing. I leave her an offline message inviting her to keep in touch with me. Two days pass and I receive a request to add her to my list, Along with a message to me that she wishes for me to serve as her Master. Amused I accept her request. I also gave her the following task:

“I want you to write me an email. In this letter you will tell me all about yourself. Even the things I already know. Your name. Age. Height. Weight breast size turn-ons, turn-offs, fetishes, limits. Desires, fantasies dark dreams. What you do for a living. What you studied in school. What goals do you have in life for yourself. What you feel is your best feature. Describe your personality. How often do you pleasure yourself? How do you normally dress. I want to know about you. The more I know, the more I can do with you.”

Now I use the “email task” as a way to tell if a submissive is serious. I’ve been disappointed often as for some reason most of the women I chat with can’t find it in themselves to write about themselves.

So I was pleasantly surprised to find a new letter in my inbox. Her letter is shown below, unedited.

“Dear sir,

details of me.age 26 bra size 34b long blonde sometime i change colour of my hair. during normal day i dress casual, jean or T during summmer love white during day n darker dress during nite date. i ve been long term relationship since high school. what my bf doesnt knw is that i had sex with his friends also.until  1 day we brokeoff. reason his friend understand what i want , which lead me into havin 3sums..our relationship

last about few months. honest sometime i dont know why n what i really desire…until lately i am not the same ,,just like wearing a mask . 2 different person of me.innocent during day but not when i need sex. dark side>  i wish to wear a mask. havin sex with stranger. also bdsm excite me alot..as long no blood or 2 much force or pain.

guide me into orgasm is what i want….”

Now, I can forgive the poorly written letter, and the use of net-speak. However, after reading this short letter more than once, I became suspicious of this chick when in her fist line she says her age is twenty six, not twenty-seven as she said in your initial conversation. She also makes no mention of her husband in the letter. I decided I would wait until I had the chance to chat with her again so that I could as more question, as the letter she wrote did not touch on several things I asked about in my request.

Later that night upon noticing me online she immediately asks to help her get off.

Ignoring that I ask her more questions. I ask her where she’s from and she says Brooklyn where in our previous conversation she mentions New jersey. Already I’m not liking this. She goes on to say that her husband is overseas. I groan to myself knowing that this chick cannot keep her story straight. As she continues to insist that I her off stating a need to want to serve me, or so she says. Inspired I turn on my own webcam to show her who she’s chatting with, not putting on a show, just showing my face and proving to her that I’m a real person. She then turns on her webcam and it is another close up of a girl fingering herself. Only its not the same body I say from the other night, what’s more It appears that the webcam feed is looping. So, annoyed remind her that I did not give her permission to pleasure herself. I then told her to stop and to show me her face, at this point a feeling strongly that the webcam feed was in fact a video clip stream.

Without a word the webcam feed was terminated. We have not conversed since.

Looking back on the whole experience, its simply disappointing.

This “chick” is probably a guy looking to masturbate, often. Its really disappointing when someone has to deceive another. Having gone through it all too often, I tend to notice things that others may not pick up on. Being all too eager to turn on a web cam so show a close up of ones crotch, while being unable to show your face even wave hello, to me is a red flag. Now I can understand a hesitance to show one’s face, but if you’re going to be bold enough masturbate to anyone who wants to watch then then showing your face (even if you have to cover it by wearing sunglasses or similar) or being able to wave hello, or even write today’s date on a piece of paper shouldn’t be too difficult a request to grant to prove you’re an actual human.

Weather one goes online to connect with others, or use others as a means to an end, each of us has certain expectations that the person on the others side is at least in part what they say they are. Unless of course there’s some form of online roleplay, though I am not into that as I once was.

Its because I’m not into chat roleplay that I tend to look flaws, inconsistencies, defects, as it my desire to chat with those who are real, in that they are comfortable being themselves, without the need to deceive. So when I receive photos or a web cam feed I examine it. Things like lighting, background body shape, I pay attention to these things. Sometimes because of that, things come to an abrupt end. The best thing I can do is learn from each incident and move on.

Vigilance isn’t easy.

Earlier this evening, I came across a posting written by a female submissive. She desires to form a long term relationship with a Dominant man. Yet she is discouraged from the postings from men seeking women younger than she is. So she wrote a post question why this is.

Her Original Posting:

dom/sub question – 40

I have a question I would like answered. I am a very loving kind hearted but sensual woman who would like to be ideally in a ltr/monogamous relationship, but when I look at what men are looking for in a sub or daddy relationship they want someone younger than me. Why is that? BTW I don’t cuss, cheat or manipulate, I just seek the honest love of a caring dom, I am a good girl, please can anyone tell me the answer without using four letter words? I was raised not to cuss.

My response:

Good evening.

I saw your posting and though I would share with you my own thoughts.

Older men seek younger women for reasons similar to reasons younger women seek older men:

Survival and replication. The allure of a younger woman is the hard-wired desire of procreation.

The desire for an older man is a need to seek out protection and comfort.

The difficulty in doing this increases with the age of the intended subject. Older individuals are more experienced, more set in their ways; more cautious. This is not at all to say that an older person isn’t willing to make such changes, but is more likely to resist such changes.

Is there a solution to this dilemma? In my opinion, there’s only one. Its clear that you desire to be with someone who shares your sentiments on the D/s, “Daddy”/”daughter” dynamic. So, what’s a woman/girl like you to do? Post your own ad! Up to now, you’ve been reading postings that state preferences you cannot fully fit into. Turn the tables. compose a posting that makes clear your own desires, kinks and criteria. State what you’re looking for in a man and don’t be afraid to get specific and yes, even state an age range. Instead of being the one hopping to be picked, by the one doing the picking. Is this Dom-ish. Yeah a bit, but, consider this, You’re a woman, and as a woman you can position yourself to be an object of desire. This is not a negative thing by any means, its just way of bringing attention to you.

Here’s something else to consider, look at just the number of postings in a single day in each section. m4w, w4m. Smile when you come to the realization that the odds are in your favor.

Good luck in your search Cheers.

Nearly a month ago (as of this writing) I came across a young woman who fantasizes about becoming a slave. She had a desire to be totally controlled, to be owned. While this in itself is not uncommon, her mindset with respect to this desire is refreshing. This comes in the form of a question she asks of any man who expresses interest in owning her:

“Can you afford to keep a slave?”

Its a simple, though powerful question. Many Dominants want to have control over a submissive, but how many give thought to what it would take to maintain that kind of control over another living being?

Speaking for myself, currently I know I’m not in a position where I could provide well enough to keep a slave full time. Which is why I do not seek a live-in slave. To does Dominants that have that desire, to have a live in slave, truly give this question some serious thought.

Its clear she’s given this much thought:

“That would be something i would need. security. i wold have to know i wont be made to work a real job. not because I’m lazy but because i would want to be a slave full time. i would also need to know i would be taken care of in-case of anything bad happening. so i wouldn’t be giving up my life and then something bad happen to him and suddenly i have no job, no home, no skills, no money. i just need to have the piece of mind and security to know i would be taken care of.”

She mentioned that when she does speak her mind about being taken care of, she’s often accused of being “greedy” or selfish. But is it? If someone is willing to give up of themselves complete control to another, shouldn’t the person receiving this control fully understand the responsibility of such power, that goes well beyond the senses of pleasure?

“I’m willing to give up my whole life pursuits and everything. so i would need to know if I’m giving so much up it would be appreciated and respected and i would be safe.”

It was clear to me that this was something she wanted, yet was frustrated by what she’s encountered so far. I asked her if she was a part of any of the online fetish communities. She was not. I offered to help her set up an account for her, taking into account her desire for being discrete. And so I created a Fetlife account for her, We discussed the name she would use, we both agreed that she wanted to show photos of herself, but wanted to remain anonymous. She had a friend of hers blur her face in the photos she wanted to post. I uploaded those photos, and used my conversation with her to form what her profile is now. For a short time I oversaw the page completely.

Then something happened. One day I wasn’t able to log into her page. Though I wasn’t upset.

I knew that she had taken control of her profile and by extension her search for her would be owner.

I’m happy to say that she’s met someone who she finds promising. After meeting in public, they mutually agreed to spend more time together. It is our (mine and hers) hope that this turns out well for her.

I wish her all the best. Should something occur in the future where she may have to search again, she’ll be able to, without fear, or compromise. She’s fully in control of her destiny, until the day she relinquishes it to one she feels is deserving. Smile my friend, cheers.

Today I’d like to shade some light on something that I realize only now, more than two years after starting my blog that I have not yet covered.

At some point in our lives each of us has made the decision to pursue something, with respect to this blog and the subject matter that it covers; at some point each one of us has made the decision to seek out a partner. Weather for its for a one-time session, occasional play dates, or a long term relationship.

Many people are at a loss for were to start.

It is for this reason among others that I came to start the blog that I keep.

Before starting the blog, I was a part of a loose community of fellow kinky-people in the old yahoo chat rooms “Bondage-a-go-go”, and “The Dungeon” This was around the time I developed an interest in BDSM back in 2004. In those rooms I would observe and ask questions when possible, publicly in the room, so as to get a number of answers. If I wanted to ask someone specific a question I’d write a short message expressing interest and the question in mind. Unfortunately not long after these rooms along with most of the “adult” chat categories were eliminated in an effort to “save the children” from exposure to adult material.

Shortly after creating the blog I decided to create a persona specific to the purpose of discussing BDSM within what remains of the yahoo chat room. with an appropriately filled out profile, detailing my interests. Naturally not everyone is willing to put themselves out there so openly. I’ve done so in an effort to not only be upfront about why I’m in the rooms (to discuss the subject of BDSM), but attract people to me to open a discussion on the subject with respect to their own desires. The name BDSMadvisor (my name on yahoo) will stick out to those who are either curious or into it. Its meant a lure, to open up discussion.

This brings me to the seed of this posting. The night before I as in a chat room, I was approached by a woman who wanted to know more about the subject. Now because BDSM is so broad my first questions are aimed to narrowing down what her particular interests are, what desires she has, and the spark that gives rise to the flame that is curiosity.

It’s important to have a clear idea of what one likes, what one wants to do, and what one wants to avoid, or have limits on. This is something that I touch upon whenever I speak with someone new and eager to explore. I’m often told that its difficult for those who are starting out to find someone who will take the time to simply talk/chat with them.

For me the goal of conversations like these is to help the submissive to pin down what she wants, what she wants to avoid. I also covered things like the use of safewords, what role if any would other’s play in a session, the possibility of  contacting a bisexual female Dominant, the possibility of searching for professional services. Things may come up in conversation that would not have been given thought otherwise, it is paramount to be able to exchange ideas freely.

Ultimately, one has to feel comfortable with a potential partner, and make their desires and concerns are mutually understood. If anything is going to happen, open your mouth and speak your mind. Only then can you know which direction to go in.

Its been quite sometime since I last posted (prior to the last post there’s been a gap of over a month). I’ve reached a point where I’m running out of things to write about. I”m not really sure how to how to proceed with the this site witout changing its direction.

I’ll think of something, though I would welcome any comments you the readers have.

All relationships, kinky or otherwise need a mutual rapport to progress.

This can be difficult in cases where distance is a significant factor.

Many people who come online in search of a partner will at one point or another engage in a form of online role-play, or sex chat. Weather it be text based in the form of a private conversation in an IM box, or on the phone. The majority of those people who engage in this kind of conversational role-play will choose the former out of safety relative anonymity.

That being some some people who are bold, or feel comfortable with a person over a period of time, or both will choose the later. Whenever possible I prefer talking on the phone then just typing. When speaking to someone its easier to pay attention, and notice things like nervousness, or pleasure.

Plus there’s an intimacy in hearing one another’s voice as the conversation shifts from topic to topic and eventually leads to the arousal of the mind and body.

Of course the quality of a text-based or phone-sex session depends on how well those involved gel with one another. For example, if one person is a lousy typist, and uses “net-speak” instead of proper sentences, or does not take time to build up a scene, it can really turn one off. This is also true for those that get on the phone an do not say anything. While the former really can’t be helped, the later can be. As a Dominant, its up to me to “feel out” the submissive, and provide reassurance, and praise, while coxing her into revealing herself, her desires and following my instructions.

I’m fortunate to have occasional phone sex sessions with a good friend of mine. A Georgia state based submissive, prettyinpink who I’ve known for close to seven years. We enjoy our conversations and sessions when we can have them. We get along with one another very well and I dare say that she and I could make a fantastic pair, if only distance wasn’t a factor.

That being said, we enjoy what we can of one another when we can.

Part of what makes the phone-sex between pretty and I so enjoyable is that it is something that simply flows, its a gradual steady progression. Our conversations rarely start in on the act of phone-sex it self. She and our discuss our frustration in frustrations in being unable to find suitable local partners. Or I’ll listen to a story she has about a recent dance performance. These details in addition to my long friendship add to the intimacy of the act. I get a sense for when she’s ready by subtle shift in her voice, or a pause before speaking with a purr to her voice, In her voice I can sense that she is comfortable, relaxed, and susceptible. By susceptible, I mean that she is very receptive to suggestion that borders on the hypnotic. It is something that she is aware of and embraces when she and I have our phone sessions. Once she’s in this state she becomes extra sensitive. It helps a great deal that (so I’ve been told) I have a soothing voice.

As for me, I’m in a state of heightened focus my eyes are generally closed for the entire session as I lay on my bed in a pitch black room. I have my phone face down and wear a pair of head phones. Its a form of selective sensory deprivation that I employ on myself for the purpose of staying focused on what I am doing, its also how I visualize what she is experiencing. Thankfully as I have pretty good knowledge of her body this is easy to do. while carefully listening for any cues in pretty’s voice as she carries out the instructions I give her. This includes running her fingertips all around her body, to fondling her breasts to pressing her hands onto her clit as she works her hips as I instruct. Because we’ve known each other for as long as we have, and have had many phone sessions as a result, Pretty is in total submission, slave to the sound of my voice as her body reacts accordingly, without any hesitation. Gone are the days where I would need to explain what I wished to have her do, and go about how it is to be done, gone are the days of initial awkwardness, where I would need to ask her occasionally if she was comfortable, feeling okay.. etc. To know if she well, or if she wanted more of something, I need only listen to her. The way she breathes, the pauses before she speaks in response to the questions I ask her, when conditions are right, Pretty slips into sub-space. Its a frame of mind where she is highly aroused, highly sensitive, and completely indulgent on any sensation of pleasure she feels. This is also the point where she is near climax as her voice changes to little more then the aroused purrs and “mmm’s” of a woman who is in the throws of ecstasy, When I finally give the word, she climaxes, not just once though, that wouldn’t do for her. Once she climaxes once, she’s able to climax continually so long as I continue to tell her to do so.

As I listen to her, I imagine her body glowing, her hair whipping around as she tosses her head as she gasps in climax. After the third or fourth climax she tells me she wants me to climax with her, by this point in the conversation, my hips swat and rock of their own accord, the tip of my member moist, the shaft warm. When we reach this point we feel close to one another, as close as each of us can be given the distance. We climax together, though this isn’t the end of it. Pretty is still very much, highly aroused and could very much continue climaxing until passing out. I do my best to look out for her not ending the phone conversation until I’m convinced she is calm and relaxed. This is accomplished simply by talking, just talking complimenting her, thanking her, just making sure she is becomes calm. She may still be aroused, and often is, but the point is to get calm enough to where she won’t accidentally harm her herself.

Coincidentally, Pretty ends up sleeping very well, which to me is a sign of a job well done.

If you’re reading this Pretty, please feel free to add anything.

The world of BDSM, there are many types of people who have many varied interests and desires. Within this world of people, there are common desires and traits. Below is a listing of submissive archetypes. This is based on my own experiences and observations over time. As always I am writing form my own perspective as a Male Dominant for a female submissive.

 Submissive types:

1. The brat. A submissive who likes to test not only her own limits, but the limits of her Dominant. The behavior of a bratty submissive can be akin to a spoiled undisciplined child. This is of course usually done in a playful manner. This can include intentionally misbehaving and/or causing a scene in public. The brat wants to see just how much she can get away with, and just how much discipline her Dominant can and will inflect based on the infraction she’s commuted. This depends on the time, place and circumstance of the undesirable behavior. Once a good rapport is established between a submissive of this type and an accommodating Dominant, can lead to a “Daddy/daughter” type relationship. Brats also have a tendency to be masochistic, enjoying the corporal discipline for the sensations that come with the the punishments carried out.
2. The baby-girl. A submissive of this type has the desire to be sheltered, protected and cherished in much the way father does for his young daughter. The submissive will have a desire/tendency to act like and adopt the manner of a little girl as a form of extended role-play, which can be permanently fixed depending on the relationship. This includes speaking and dressing like a young girl would. While this can include the adult-baby fetish, it is not necessary.
3. The pet. This submissive has a strong desire to treated like a house pet, typically a dog or cat. House pets receive a lot of attention and care from their Dominants (or “owners”) in much the same way of a typical house pet. This includes being fed, and walked, petted and so on. While in this role the submissive relinquishes any active human behavior such as speaking, walking upright, and in some cases the wearing of clothing. Among the more dedicated, the intensity of this role can include being regarded as an actual pet, complete and total domestication in the sense that no human consideration is wanted and/or given to the pet for the duration of the relationship.
4. The dress-up doll. This submissive loves to dress up at the direction of her Dominant.
   To have her outfits for the day chosen for her, to abide by any clothing requirements and/or restrictions the Dominant may have. This usually goes hand-in-glove with a strong desire to be shown off, displayed like a prized pet. This kind of control can extend beyond just the wardrobe, it can conceivably extend to body image and behavior modification.
5. The bimbo. A submissive of this type is an extension of the dress up doll previously mentioned, The bimbo will have all of the traits mentioned above with an intense need for body modification and behavioral programing. This can include breast implants, hair extensions, speech restrictions and behavioral programing usually through the use of hypnosis. Hypnosis and other forms of conditioning would be used to have the bimbo focus on looking pretty, acting simply, and ready to be used sexually. With successful conditioning the bimbo can be somewhat of a cross between the pet and the baby-girl, though a bimbo will require much upkeep for clothing, beauty treatments and body modification.
6. The pain-slut. This submissive is first and foremost, a masochist. She derives pleasure from the sensation of pain, weather it be physical pain brought about through spanking, canning, binding, whipping, suspension, piercing, blood-letting, and other forms of punishments/torture. Or the emotional pain that comes from humiliation. A submissive of this type can be very open to sensory experimentation, so long as her safety is assured and her limits are respected.
7. The controlled whore. This submissive typically has a very high sex drive. As well as an exhibitionist streak akin to the dress-up doll. Often uninhibited and bi-curious (if not already bisexual). Eager to explore and push the limitations of her desires under the guidance of her Dominant.
8. The servant-slave. For this submissive the will of her Master is hers to carry out, the word of her Master is law. This submissive can exhibit any of the above qualities from the other types mentioned above. A submissive of this type adapts herself to the needs of her Master, and is prepared to take care of any need that should arise. This includes domestic services such as cooking and cleaning, to personal grooming, to sexual use. Devoting herself completely and without question to the service of her chosen Master. This is of course done with full consent and understanding of what her expectations are, and with the Master’s full knowledge and understanding of the servant-slave’s needs desires and limitations. A submissive of this type has a sense of devotion that borders on reverence for the one that she serves.

The classifications and descriptions mentioned above are by no means a definitive answer. Certainly there are submissive out there who have a mix of traits of what has been mentioned above. Though it would be safe to say that some submissive women can identify with one type more than another.

Which type are you?

P.S. For those of you readers who wish to connect with me on Facebook look me up here

Make a list you say? It may sound silly, but the act of writing something down, (or typing it) gets the mind going. Making a list of fetishes is a good step to take for anyone who isn’t sure what they may or may not like. There are many different things one can explore, its a good to have some idea. In my opinion a list provides a sense of direction.

An easy way to start would be to start with activities that turn you (the list writer) on, things that you know you enjoy and want to experience.

Then, proceed to a second list of things that turn you off, this can include deal-breakers and Hard limits. Hard limits are things that you simply are not into and would not entertain in any sense. A total turn off.

There is also a third list to consider making. This list is of things that you are curious of, that you would like to try at least once to experience.

For those starting out its not important to have experienced these things beforehand, Its enough that there is either an interest or aversion to any particular fetish or activity. That it is noted in some form for both reference and clarity. For those that do have experience, the list can serve as a reminder and treated like a checklist.

The majority of BDSM community websites have fetish checklists that can be managed along with a profile, this helps to determine comparability.

Sometimes it also helps to write a journal about one’s needs and desires, or short stores about one’s desire, or an exploration of a fetish. Doing either helps to expend on the idea, by exploring it on the cerebral level. Personally, I enjoy a good journal, or story, a good mind trip generates interest in my book.

Sharing the lists, the journals, and the short stories can lead to discussion and perhaps pursuit down the line.

I’d like to share a series of short lists of my own with you.

Into/turn ons:

Women who wear lingerie

Tall brunettes

Women who like to dress up and pose in costumes.

Not into/turn offs/ Hard limits:

Cross-dressing

Diaper play

Breath play (asphyxiation, choking)

As for writing short stories, I’ve only written on piece of erotic that explains a long held though still (to this date), unrealized.

And as for a journal… well there’s this blog.

Until next time,

Sir Chance.